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You are kind, you are good company, and you have a full life. Your friends cannot work out why you are still single, and on some evenings neither can you.
When that happens, most of us reach for the outside fixes. A new dating app. Better photos. A different dress. A cleverer first message. Sometimes those help a little, but they rarely change the pattern, because the pattern usually starts somewhere else: in how you feel about yourself, what you believe you deserve, and the habits of thought you carry into every date.
That is what dating author Amy Waterman calls your inner game. Her e-book, Mind Makeover, is built around one idea that I keep coming back to: who you are inside is the root of everything that is happening to you with men. (The link above is my affiliate link.) Reading her sales page and the list of topics she covers, I kept noticing the same few mistakes that good, warm, capable women make again and again. Here are seven of them, with something small you can try for each one today.
You get ready for a night out, catch sight of yourself in the mirror, and a voice in your head starts its list. Too old. Too heavy. Too much. Not enough. By the time you walk in the door, you have already decided nobody will be interested.
Amy is blunt about this one: beating up on yourself never helps. It does not make you more attractive, and it does not make you try harder in any useful way. It just makes you smaller in the room.
Try this today: each time you catch the critical voice, write down exactly what it said. Then write what you would say to a close friend who said the same thing about herself. You will usually be far kinder to her. Practise being that kind to you.
One of the topics in the book is called "why you should avoid being what men want," and I love that it is there. So much dating advice tells you to change your clothes, your laugh, your opinions and your small talk until you fit some idea of the ideal woman.
The trouble is that if a man falls for the version of you that you have edited for him, he has not met you yet. And you will be exhausted keeping the act going. Amy's view is that you do not need to be told you are not pretty enough or not sending the right signals. You need to show up as yourself, so the right man can actually find you.
Try this today: think of one thing you usually hide on early dates (a strong opinion, a silly hobby, a big laugh). Decide that next time, you will let it show.
You know the feeling. A man you like walks in, your knees go weak, and suddenly you are agreeing with everything he says, checking your phone every few minutes and rearranging your week around his plans.
The book covers how to keep your power with men and what happens when you hand over control to him. The idea is to stay steady in yourself, even with the men who make your heart race, because a woman who still has her own life, her own views and her own plans is far more interesting than one who has quietly disappeared into his.
Try this today: write down three things that are yours and only yours: a friend, a hobby, a goal. Protect time for them this week, whatever your dating life is doing.
After years of dating, most of us carry a few bruises. A divorce, a long relationship that faded, a man who vanished without a word. It makes sense that we get guarded. But when old wounds start running the show, a perfectly decent new man ends up paying for what the last one did.
Amy writes about how past relationships affect you, healing your heart and tackling the emotional baggage that builds up over years of heartbreak, so that it does not quietly sabotage what comes next.
Try this today: next time you feel a sudden wave of suspicion or hurt with someone new, ask yourself one honest question: is this about him, or is it about someone before him? Just noticing the difference takes a lot of the sting out.
He does not call back. The second date never happens. The man you liked starts seeing someone else. It is very easy to turn that into a verdict on your looks, your age or your worth.
One of the more surprising topics in the book is "why rejection is a good thing." Amy talks about a change of perspective that helps you deal with rejection and break-ups and get back to smiling at life sooner. A "no" from the wrong man is simply information. It saves you time you would have spent on someone who was never going to be right for you.
Try this today: think of a past rejection that hurt at the time. Now list one thing you would have missed if that relationship had worked out. Most of us can find something.
Chemistry is lovely. It is also not the same as love. Plenty of us have been certain a man was the one, only to find out he was really just a heartbreaker with good timing.
The book asks whether having feelings for someone is a sign of true love, and it covers how to know when to trust your feelings and when to be wary. It also looks at how to identify a real man, and the truth about bad boys and bed buddies, so you can weed out the flakes, jerks and playboys in favour of a man who loves you for who you are.
Try this today: write down three things a man would have to do (not make you feel) for you to trust him. Keep the list somewhere you will see it when the butterflies start.
This last one ties the others together. So many of us treat dating like a job application: polish yourself, send it off, then wait and worry until somebody picks you.
Amy calls this out directly. On her sales page she writes that we need to stop talking about our own perceived inadequacies, "as if there's something wrong with us because a man hasn't chosen us yet." Worry does not help you meet anyone, and it tends to give off exactly the kind of tense energy that keeps good men at a distance. Her alternative is to get excited about your love life again and to see yourself as the star of your own love story rather than a woman waiting in the wings.
Try this today: plan one thing this week purely because it sounds fun to you, not because you might meet someone there. People notice a woman who is enjoying herself.
None of these seven mistakes mean anything is wrong with you. They are habits, and habits can change. They are also very hard to see from the inside, which is why a good guide helps.
If this list hit home, Mind Makeover is worth a look. It is an e-book by Amy Waterman, who has been writing about dating and relationships for over a decade and is the author or co-author of ten dating advice books, including titles with the dating site MeetYourSweet.com. Rather than tricks, scripts or rules, it focuses on how to be: your confidence, your energy around men and the way you see yourself. It is built on what she calls the Four Pillars, and it asks you some serious questions about yourself along the way.
The book costs $37 and comes with five bonus e-books: a Guide to Affirmations, The Secret to a Happy Relationship, Living with Him: What to Know Before You Move In, Quotes to Live By, and Let's Talk about Love, a Q&A with Amy. It also has an 8-week money-back guarantee, so if you give it your best shot and it is not what you wanted, you can ask for a full refund.
Nobody can promise you a man, and I would not trust anyone who did. But if you would like to stop getting in your own way, this is a gentle, honest place to start. Take a look at Mind Makeover here.